The Ultimate Vampire Quiz

Ever thought you were secretly a vampire with a greater destiny? Or perhaps you were sent on Earth to remove the vampire scourge once and for all?

Take the quiz to uncover your destiny!

Q1
Do you have an unusual thirst for sweet blood?

A) 24/7, baby!
B) Occasionally, when I dream of Edward Cullen!
C) I prefer sweet tea, thank you very much!
D) Never ever, thank the Lord!

Q2
Do you have a penchant for biting people on the neck?

A) Always!
B) I'd try it once.
C) Thankfully, no!
D) Neck!? Wait till I chop off your head and shove your mouth with silver and garlic!

Q3
Do you have two unusually long, sharp teeth?

A) Hell yeah! Are you volunteering your neck?
B) If only I can find a good dentist to sharpen them pronto!
C) Can you take a closer look, please? Do they look sharp to you?
D) Hell no! I definitely do not have vampire fangs!

Q4
When I see blood, I...

A) Jump up, lick my lips and dance
B) Look on with a morbid fascination
C) Run in the opposite direction
D) Pull out my weapons and go hunting... I know there's a vampire close by!

Q5
How often do you dream of vampires?

A) Every nanosecond!
B) Vampires? I wouldn't mind
C) Once in a blood moon
D) I got better things to dream about... Like killing them!

Q6
What would happen If a vampire appears suddenly in front of you?

A) Your heartbeat shoots up uncontrollably out of sheer joy!
B) You nervously look in your pockets for pen & paper in order to get his autograph
C) You freeze and piss in your pants out of sheer fear!
D) You roll your sleeves up and get ready to kick its ass!

Q7
At 1am in the morning, you find two, fiery-red eyes staring at you from the other side of your bedroom? What do you do?

A) Jump out of bed and run towards them laughing!
B) Stare back trying to fake a smile!
C) Throw your bedside lamp and your Bible towards it as hard as you can!
D) Do "C", hurl a million ungodly obscenities at it and decide to make it your life's ambition to eradicate vampires and people with fiery-red eyes!

Q8
What's your first instinct when you see a crucifix?

A) Turn it upside down and call Valak's name out loud!
B) Want to wear it around my neck
C) Wanna touch it and hold it close.
D) Grab it and thrust it deep into the beating heart of a vampire!

Q9
What's your favourite book/novel?

A) Dracula by Bram Stoker
B) The Twilight novels by Stephenie Meyer
C) Animal Farm by George Orwell
D) None of the above! I'm writing my own masterpiece on how to slay vampires!

Q10
Does the name Transylvania mean anything to you?

A) Oh, home sweet home!
B) Is that where vampire lives?
C) Oh, that's a cute cartoon!
D) From ashes to ashes, dust to dust; Curse that hellhole, destroy it I must!

How did you score...?

Mostly A's
Welcome to my castle! You are undoubtedly a vampire of the purest breed!

Mostly B's
You're not a pure vampire breed. You'll have more fun at the Cullen mansion!

Mostly C's
You don't hate me nor love me. I think we can co-exist peacefully!

Mostly D's
Holy mother of all things green and sparkly! You are the pure descendant of Abraham Van Helsing! Come catch me if you can!

Compiled by: \/. /\. )v(. P.  |. )2. E

LECTURER FROM HELL

There was a lecturer from hell
Whose name was KL
She had a really big head
And from inside all dead

She loved to terrorize
All the girls and guys
She had red, fiery eyes
And an army of spies

Rumour has it that she
Was cursed for eternity
And took out her frustrations
On all of her students

Voodoo dolls of this evil cow
Are probably world-famous by now
If you see one near you
You should stick a pin in it, too

So, don't feel sorry for this wretch
She's definitely a mega bitch
Who loves to order and shout
Bullying students with clout

By
Vampire

MAN-EATER

I stole her lipstick and handbag
And her sequin dress
I know what you're thinking
But hey, don't stress

I borrowed her eyeliner
And some Chanel no. 5
Stole her best diamonds
Oh God, I feel so alive!

I glide in my sexy heels
As the wind blows through my hair
Guys stare open-mouthed
As I drag them to my sexy lair

I suffocate them with romance
Stealing their sleep at night
I teach them how to dance
But oh boy, they're in for a fright!

By
Vampire

TO YOU GUESS WHO

I have a friend in Indonesia.
She’ll do anything to try to please ya.

She’s got a cutie face and chubby cheeks,
And a little Indo accent when she speaks.

She likes furry kitties and birds too.
And her favorite color is not purple but blue.

She plays guitar and sings like  a goddess,
And I’m telling you this because she’s too modest.

She teaches, works out, swims, and dances.
And hot guys always give her glances.

She’s been my friend for many years,
And I’ve never had a friend so dear.

Can you guess who this poem is for?
I’ll only give you one hint more.

She’s an Aries with a birthday April 4th.
And her name is Balebila...of course!!

By Gene

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU

I cannot get enough of you.

I follow you to work.

I’m sorry but this is true,

And I have many other quirks.

I wait and follow you home again.

And quietly slip through your door.

To watch You is my evil plan.

I desire nothing more.

I sneak into your closet,

 And caress all in your clothes.

And if you were a prophet,

You would know which ones I chose.

I lick your dirty dishes,

In the kitchen sink.

I even go through your trash(es),

Even though it stinks .

I sniff all the doorknobs,

That you daily touch.

And greatly my heart throbs,

So much I have to blush.

I stand inside your shower,

Hoping for a drop of wet.

Some of that sublime water,

That washed off all your sweat.

I find a pair of your underwear,

And wear it on my head.

Then as quietly as I dare,

I’ll crawl under your bed 

I’ll crawl out in the morning,

After you’ve gone to your office.

And I’m giving you this warning:

Next time I’ll be less cautious 

By Gene

BELCHERS' INC.

I am a Belcher but I do not fart,

For Belchers are a world apart.

Although farters are our brothers in lewdness,

They can never aspire to our level of rudeness.

We launch our belches with a variety of seductions,

While farts are merely boring eruptions.

So come on Belchers, gather round!

And we'll belch some polite sissies down.

While our loathsome friends with explosive asses,

Cripple them with deadly gasses!

By

Gene

BUBBLES IN MY BATHTUB

I sit lounging and enjoying my bath
The warm soothing water, the gentle suds, the slow drip of the leaky faucet.
This is a time to relax and enjoy life
My soul is one with the gentle, friendly bubbles

But suddenly...What is this!!!
Sinister, warlike, bubbles have surfaced!!

Emitting a foul odor... From where do they come??? 

Interrupting my perfect tranquility!! 

Stale and horribly they attack

each bursting with the fetid odor of rotten eggs

Why me??? Why my bath?

 I cry..
So unfair, so foul...
Then I recall.. 

yesterday's foray to that new restaurant of Polish Sausage and African Jungle Greens

My fault!!!Why God?..
I slowly raise my 357 caliber hand gun to my temple 

and ...

MELODOROUS NIGHT OF FIRE

If everyone lit just one small fart,

Throughout the world tonight.

Glowing light would fill my heart ❤,

And the Earth would be so bright.

If each man would set a fart afire,

While bending down with grace,

I could not help but to admire,

The grimace on your face.

If all would a fart incinerate,

And I mean all at once.

I'm sure it would be our fate,

To puke out all our lunch.

But a glow would appear in the atmosphere,

Like the Aurora Borealis.

And all the Earth would cheer,

While observing the flaming gases.

MONSTER IN THE MIRROR

When the nice lady asked for my picture

I was on the verge of a seizure

The world should be shielded from my ugliness

Coz they can't handle my craziness

The last time I glanced at my reflection

A monster grinned back in jubilation

I'm not the selfie type of man

I try to avoid the limelight if I can

By
Vampire